Yummy Mummy at the threshold of 2010...

Just standing at the threshold mind you - not celebrating in any way shape or form. The last days of this year 2009 was so full of good feeling but also so much bad karma that I feel like imploding inside (is there such a word? - when you burst inwards?)

Christmas started innocently enough with the same routine - the carload of goods and presents and clothes for the trudge up to in-laws who love a 40-minute-drive away. The cakes and coffee that greet us and the usual "Oh-what-a-nice-tree" oohhhs and aaahs..

The service or do they call it mass - at a church so dimly lit - I am all for subdued lighting but it looked like the church was just a step close to a power blackout and the slow, organ music and the hymns - does God all Mighty even love these dreary, lifeless hymns being sung in His honour? No offence but surely something along the lines of Harlem Gospel lifts the spirits and lightens the heart more right?

The dinner was okay - a rather tough lamb stew and an ambiguous cooked cucumber thingy- was just sad that my son's appetite was more or less treated like a secondary thing because he had lots of bread, bread, bread...

It was my mother-in-law's behaviour that was exhausting and my hubby did not help much to make Christmas season an occasion to remember...

For instance, why is it that when hubby is at my mom's place and this - never for more than 3 nites at the last count, he gets to lounge around, sleep in while I am the one who is in the kitchen? And I am still the one who is stuck with the same routine when I am at his mom's place? It is the epitome of male masochism - I tell you.

So there I was - up at the crack of dawn because of my son's internal clock and I had to rack my brains to make conversation with my mom-in-law and the thing is - when I start to tell her something - her attention is - for want of a better word - transient and flimsy. She would always interrupt me with " I have got to ........blah-blah in the kithen/laundry room/ bedroom/bathroom and will be right back" And shen then practically sprints out of there - leaving me in mid-sentence and you know? she never comes back.

When she did come back, she would not bother to ask me to continue where she had cut me off.

But when SHE starts on a story - it is so mind numbingly dull that I want to stick my whole fist in my mouth to make myself go into a MEGA RETCH!!! It's about some neighbour who did something normal like - I dunno - hammer a nail in the wall to hang up a picture or something along those very boring lines and I make sure that I keep this "That's-a-very-interesting-story" face the whole time. I did not interrupt her the whole time. I let her come to a natural finish-without-the-flourish.

But next time I will...

and that's the resolution for me this time around...

...to be happy....

....and anything or anyone, who is a potential hindrance to me achieving this resolution ...will be discarded to one side or told off in the most direct manner, respectively.

Yummy Mummies go Mexican..!

the third Yummy Mummies went Viva la Mexico this time around...substantial breakfast and no evidence of the wispy, barely there Continental Breakfast which I detest..

And this time around, we had a full quorum - and the spread was spicy, chocolatey, cheesy, guacamole, filled tortillas...

the conversation was rapid and topics were discussed and tossed around in rapid succession...but the ultimate was

"How do you like it here in Germany?"

And you know, when a German asks me this question, I will automatically say "Okay" but as the question this time was asked by non-Germans, the answer was honest and frank with no-holds barred.

We all agreed that the first years are the most difficult and trying. Another point that was interesting to note was that the more we resisted blending in with the German culture and way of life in Germany, the longer we end up staying in Germany.

Examples in our Yummy Mummies group were :

- One Thai lady said that she only wanted to stay for 3 years maximum but is now currently entering her 6th year!

- one Irish sweetie said that she was adamant that this phase in Germany was temporary but now is currently living out her 8th year as well and sees no end in sight (perhaps the fact that her hubby had just bought a house compounds this no light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel gloom)

- moi? This is my third year in Germany - and hubby is currently marking realty pages as Favourites -

...the outcome is obvious isn't it?

I am just not going to say it in case it gets misinterpreted as a fervent prayer and God goes Amen...

When lines of communication get crossed..

...it is unerving...and irritating...

This must be the second time that I have purportedly "misunderstood" what was said..

I know that I am 40 but my grey brain cells are still in fine operating form...

The Yummy Mummy was conceived a few weeks ago and it was specifically stated that it would be open to people who we think are lonely and would like to be part of a group...

So I have this acquiantance .- who I had said I would like to include into the Yummy Mummy group - at the outset, at the conception so to speak..

And now, when I call to tell the host of the next Yummy Mummy soiree that my acquiantance will be joining us - she nows reveals that she could not remember what was said.

This is not an exclusive club and there is no need to be high nosed about inviting other people into the group. The objective of this meeting is NOT about eating and stuffing our faces but about mingling, talking, communicating, chilling out and for us to know that despite being in this strange land we call Germany, that there is an outlet for us to just be ourselves and let down our guard.

I am disappointed - from someone who anyway did not think too much of the idea anyway of Yummy Mummies in the first place.

Maybe it is just the bad vibes that I have been inundated with in the first place that's making me feel like this...impatience with petty people...

I am not forgetful - some people feign forgetfulness...one time too many...

When Yummy Mummy gets mad...

...it gets molten hot deep within the core of my being...

... and the strongest of emotions - HATE - gets whipped up in a frenzy...

...what turns a sibling into someone that you don't know anymore and wished to God that she wasn't related to you in any shape or form...?

...that you start to get angry with God for letting this sibling unleash her tyranny upon her family....without retribution

...how is it that she is so blind that she can't even see that her son is now withdrawn whilst she wallows in nothing more than self pity ...and

...is relentless in her betrayal of her mother and of me...again and again and again...and AGAIN?!!!!

The wrong can win? What kind of a world is this?

Rain, rain go away...

I am running out of patience - can this typical November German weather please get the hell out of December?!!! I have put up all Christmas decorative lights I had in my arsenal and all the ornaments, Santa statues - trying to gloss over this naffing rain but it's not helping.

The weird thing is ...its not that cold - I mean I can live with 7 Celsius - its just the wet, wet, wetness of it all

Got the results of my endless tests and procedures that I had endured or put myself through the last 2 weeks - including strapping this BP reader machine on my arm for 24 hours - a few days ago. It must have taken about 70 readings over the course of one day - even while I was sleeping. Problem is - each time, the strap started to cut the blood circulation to my arm to make a reading, the tips of my fingers started to hurt - was very uncomfortable.

Anyhoo, the results were made clear to me the next day - during the day, the BP readings were high - at some point, I should have really been wheeled into ER but during the night, the BP readings were quieter and normal, normal, normal

What is it that i do during the day that is spiking up my BP? Am I really just a bundle of stressed up anxiety the whole day even when doing something normal like watching Gilmore Girls?? I do not understand it.

I just realized during the course of today that mostly and normally, I actually clench my jaw without realizing it. When I actually purposed relaxed my jaw, there was a major difference. What is it? Have I been 99% tense without knowing it?

Is it being here in Germany that is just riling me up quietly? When I wake up every morning, do certain receptors in my brain send out "Oh no! Another day in gloom and doom"

My doctor reckons that its hereditary - since my blood work did not reveal any kidney diseases which could have led to the high BP, my lungs are clear (no cancer! Thank you God! I swear NEVER to social smoke again) and my heart reveals no damage or problems - its just hereditary.

So I get medication prescribed - once taken and that's it for the rest of my life and I just hate that idea.

This dependance...and the idea that this medication will not address the cause of my high BP, but rather just suppress the symtoms - in other words, it's not a cure and sure as hell not natural in any way shape or form.

Made me question also my own mortality - I know i am being morbid here but I realized that turning 40 comes with a big responsibility - that is to take good care of oneself...

Thots are just forming in my head on this point so I will pen off for now and think this through...

Looking downwards...

Yummy Mummy does not feel so yummy these days. Everytime I head to the gym to work out, squeaky-voiced-damn-her-to-hell-and-back fitness trainer keeps asking me if I have measured by blood pressure. Whenever I say no, she just gives me this look like I am just sealing my death sentence.

Whenever I did allow her to swing me into taking my BP, the reading had turned out to be so high - Stage 2 Hypertension already - that she had harked very loud and clearly for all in the gym to hear "Ooops! That's really high!" and on and on and on. When I proceeded to do the workout, I tell you - I am anything but relaxed or happy. She thinks - just hop to the doctor - get some pills prescribed and pop them in my mouth for the rest of my life and that will be it.

As I get on the stepper or on the machines and do the motions or moves, I keep thinking in my head "I'm dying - I'm dying - I'm dying" in rythmic tandem to the music. She keeps asking me if I am feeling okay - "not faint or anything?" that I have this urgent need to pull up her paunch all the way up to smother her face and shut her up!!!!

High blood pressure? Me? How? When? What now? Is this the beginning of the end?

Two kgs that crept up during my last trip to Yummy Mummy homeland - have taken permanent residence on my tummy and hips and despite being given notice to evict, they are defying my orders and staying put.

I keep looking downwards and see how much of my feet I can still see. If I start to not even get a glimpse of them, then I know I am way too big. Muffin Top? Seven Waterfalls? I can soooo relate.

I feel not so yummy also because suddenly i am the only one in my family that is not a member of the la-di-da tennis club. My hubby is and as of last Sunday, so is my 4 year old son. And moi?

Hubby's answer was " Oh well, the club management said that since membership is expensive, why don't you let your wife try out a few times first whether she likes it here before making the commitment to join the club?"

How concerned these people are, how considerate - what a load of crap!! Nobody at this club said that! They are just happy to get more members. The creator of this nonsense is none other than hubby himself - I am sure of it.

So, Yummy Mummy is a tad chubby, a tad depressed, a tad more than hypertensive, a tad insecure and have been kept away from the tennis club community. For what reason? The only logical excuse that comes to mind - that while hubby is happy to parade our son at the club, he is none too happy to parade me.

I guess because he is ashamed of me? I dunno...not white enough? Not slim enough? Not la-di-da enough?

Yup, ain't feeling too Yummy these days.....and the weather here is just so gloomy and cold - perfect accompaniment to my glum....

Geared into action...

Whew! Since the last post, my schedule has been packed. My house, before my sanctuary, Padded Room, Jail Cell, is now just a diner stop - or maybe more like a motel. I zip in and out - sometimes even relishing 5 minutes of quiet time.

Anyway, the Yummy Mummies met up for the first time for breakfast - congee and coffee. As you can guess, the Yummy Mummies are anything but German - so we can do away with the whole Continental Breakfast aka Nothing Much bullshit.

Allow me to digress here a trifle bit but what IS the deal with Continental Breakfast?? I do not get it - juices, muesli, yoghurt, fat free milk or half and half - dull and utterly pointless. I do really think that when forcing oneselves to feast on Continental Breakfast - this whole pinky-sticking-out whilst drinking coffee from a cup just makes me want to pull my eyelashes hair by hair. It's all the tink-tink-tink sounds that drives me up the wall!!!!

The good thing with Yummy Mummies is that we can put Danish snaily shaped buns, croissants (so flaky and buttery - they are just irritatingly messy), muesli (which is just a fancy word for low grade cardboard really) - out of comission and feast on the food that really makes us feel worthwhile. Congee and coffee, or the fried noodles, or nasi lemak or roti canai - now those are breakfasts fit for a king and the only ones worthy to start the day.

The only downside to the Yummy Mummy meet was the weather - wet, gloomy, miserably cold. Even my silver Toyota could not shed more pizazz into the gloom but that was where the congee came in handy - it went down silky smooth - into the red lanes and warmed up every iced up pore.

Topics discussed were various - we even touched on income tax declarations - a bit dry admittedly on that score - but at least, we were being pragmatic. Admittedly, we got into discussing as to how a discounted Burberry light down jacket was just the thing to have in between seasons - a bit longer than expected - but the discussion then turned to issue that we all face in real life.

At times, I felt that it was unreal - I hear my voice - but is it me really talking and laughing at all the right places? Too early to tell - but I will observe these facets more as we go along.

For now, I do relish that tomorrow morning is appointment free. No gym, no coffee, no errands to run in the city - I am free to ravish my Padded Cell.

Day One..

It wasn't always like this - not too many moons ago, I was just scrap heap - overweight, jiggly, half a centimer tall, paranoid, clingy, tired, scared and above all, lonely.

Entering Duesseldorf felt like being thrown into the streets of Pamplona - during the annual bull run. Smack in the middle of danger and no idea where to run.

So you just try to walk really fast and pray that you are heading in the right direction. It would have been okay if enthusiastic spectators were abound - pointing the right way to safety and cheering you on. But it was not okay for me - because though I had a spectator - my husband - he was jeering instead of cheering, pointing the way to more dire danger instead of to safety.

And I was lost, wounded, "stabbed" countless times, bled tears - for a good amount of 3 years. It was a very long bull run.

So one day, whilst recounting my bull run and how it was still a bull run for me - right then, up to the minute with no let up - to my very good friend, Endoo - I came forth with the idea...

Would it not be great if the regular coffee ladies - at any one time, mostly the five of us , made it a point to meet up once a week for coffee - like a Stammtisch of some sort?

How to define Stammtisch? - Let's see - direct German to English translation would mean MajorTable. In Germany, a Stammtisch is an event where a specific group of people would meet up - once a week, once a fiscal year, once a fortnite, every full moon - at a specific location to just talk and of course, drink. Mostly, to drink but that's beside the point.

It's the company, the camaraderie - the casual banter and jokes and anecdotes that you share with people that you have a mighty lot in common with. Everyone leaves at the end of the Stammtisch do - somewhat relieved, somewhere enlightened and I believe, somewhat happier. The happy hormones - perhaps given a smooth passage by the beers drunk beforehand - are deeply saturated in your body, in your mind and in your system- so you feel like you flow....and by God - ready to face the onsalught of bulls till the next Stammtisch!

I will report as events unfold....in the life of a Yummy Mummy...