Where is it?

...this self worth of mine? Systematically hacked, gnawed away at the foundation one painful slash at a time until it's almost gone...if not gone already?

On some days I feel feisty and am so full of spirit that literally I feel I can move a mountain a pebble at a time and rebuild it again pebble by pebble, at another appropriate location...and still have the strength to admire my handiwork...

on some days, like these last couple of days, I feel trapped and unable to move....mostly because I am too afraid too venture out or to fight because I feel so small, so tiny that the others will surely trample upon me by mistake because I can't be seen or be heard?

I think I fully realize now who I am or how my husband sees me ...I am housekeeper and nanny and oh, when times are desperate, someone to shag.... After the shag, you will be surprised how fast he reverts back to his cold, unfriendly self...

How else to explain it? We had a 6 hour car journey before us. I had already adhered to his very specific packing instructions that I spent the day before indoors whilst he and my son spent the day outside enjoying a beautiful sunny spring day. I had gotten into the car after checking that the house was properly locked and secure and he greets me with "My God! How much garlic have you had?!"

(I had been consuming whole cloves of garlic in a desperate attempt to harness on its antibacterial properties to annihilate my oncoming pneumonia). I was so taken aback with the tone and manner in which he chose to express himself that basically, my breath stinks to high heaven.

I looked at him, this man with the white skin with his huge Ray Ban aviators covering his reptile cold eyes and thought " This is it. This is definitely it. He must really think shit of me to not even attempt to disguise the contempt in his voice, even in front of our son" And so, with my self worth reduced to a heap and with his uncanny way of setting the tone for the holiday that awaited us, we started the holiday.

I thought at the time. " Wow. He must be patting himself on the back for firing such a hurtful salvo that it reduced me to absolute silence" Yup, silence... for the next 6 hours to Zurich. He had the whole time, this smug look on his face that I found myself thinking ho - terrible, mutilating thoughts...toward HIM. Deep down, after the initial violent thoughts , I cried, banged my head on the wall thinking "Stupid, Stupid, stupid! Why do you even stick around this piece of shit?! Why do I let him treat me this way?!"

All these...only because he caught me unaware and I was unprepared for that. But what kind of a life is it having to be always on the defensive and always on the alert? When you love someone and that someone loves you, aren't you suppose to feel secure? How does it go? That you can finally EXHALE...? Here, I am holding my breath in the same way I always do before a dentist is about to administer a jab...because I always think that it will lessen the pain that I expect to follow afterwards....

Bubbling close to the surface

My husband can be a real asshole sometimes. Imagines himself to be God's gift to women. When he prances around with that pout which is supposed to convey an aura of being very, very cool, I think he just looks like lip Botox procedure or similar gone wrong.

When he hardly listens to whatever I say or hardly converses with me, I think how I would love to deck him across that Goddamned face!!

I feel so stuck in this rut - this whole gamut, range, plethora of emotions just whooshing in me, that I just feel like throwing my head back, open my mouth and just scream until I am all screamed out!

How does someone that you used to love turn out to be such an ASS?!!!! It's all about him at the moment - denies me my home trip this summer only for my son and I to sit around watching him leave us to entertain ourselves while he runs, or plays tennis or goes on his endless business trips. And yeah right, I am supposed to sympathize with him that these business trips are hard on him because he "would rather spend time with the family" Each times he says that I can always see that her's about to break into a smile. That's how insincere it sounds...

He is on a get young and stay young mission. The only person I know who would admire himself in the mirror and actually say " I look good don't I?"

And I think hodoh nak mampus instantly which made me realize that I have a lot of anger brewing up in me.....

question is--what will I do when I huff and I puff and I blow?