Quite a while ago, I was engaged to be married to a damned jerk. He had started out all romantic and atentive - until the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome started to kick in - because he started to be such an ASS. Anyway, whenever I watched a romantic movie, I would be filled with such a sense of longing - because in that hellish relationship that I was currently in at the time, I was not feeling THE LOVE.

Until I met my current hubby - oh how he swept me off my feet and pushed all the right buttons. Because I was so incredibly suffused with lust which later transformed to love.

And now, many years later, when watching a romantic movie - I feel that sense of longing again. For the one who whooshed me off my feet was a temporary illusion - now he takes pride and pleasure to deny any show off affection or love. I read the first chapter of 'Eat, Pray, Love' and all´I can think is "This is all sounds incredibly familiar". How she loved and despised her hubby at the same time. This is how I feel right now.

My God! That's it till the rest of my life? Is it enough? Can I live with someone knowing that he is trying to cure the incurable romantic?

I am thinking...

Is it still there?

8 years ago today, my father passed away. And its amazing how different husbands change once the sole male figure in our otherwise all female family is no longer around.

For one, the husbands lose their respect for you and take liberties and become reckless and careless - who is to reproach them?

Who are you gonna tell little orphan girl? They seem to taunt - your mama? Why do we let them actually?

Papa taught me better - those fighter instincts? They seemed to dissolve when he died. Or maybe got buried momentarily under all that mourning.

Is it still there? In me - somewhere?