It was the most breathtaking dream ever and so vivid. I will write it all as I remember it - so here goes...
I was in a normal looking bar - nothing fancy - when a friend told me that Hugh Jackman was about to arrive at the bar soon I was also having a white sheep on a leash - I remember that now!
I was very excited to meet him - in the dream - it was as if he was a very good friend of mine - and that we have not seen each other fore quite some time. More people came in into the bar and it was getting fairly crowded. Suddenly, I heard from my friend that Hugh had arrived.
He was dressed in a midnite blue shirt, long sleeved and with a suede vest over it as well as matching brown pants and had an Australian hat on. I made my way thru the crowd to him and with a smile on my face - I was delighted. Upon seeing me, he took off his hat and gave me this tremendous smile that seemed to light up his blue, blue, eyes.
I recall also that I was asking myself " Why is it that i am moving towards him and not him towards me? Don't I look too obvious that I like him more than I let on?"
So there we were face to face and we hugged each other. I felt so overwhelmed with happiness and my pent up feelings that I kissed his cheeks several times - was supposed to look like a friendly gesture - when his face changed. He had stopped smiling - and held me by the shoulders and looked me straight into my eyes. His face was full of passion and it was like at that moment that he realized that he loved me too....
Because we kissed - oh how we kissed - passionate, tongues mingling and he pressed me downwards, kissing me passionately that I lost my balance and actually, we both fell crashing to the floor, but our lips still locked.
He looked surprised that we had ended up on the floor. We both scrambled to our feet, I said something like " I did not realize that I was that heavy" and let his pull me up back to my feet.
We continued kissing again - and I remember his smell - so clean and heavanly, at that spot just infront of his ear. I inhaled deeply, remembering the smell.....
like freshly washed cotton sheets - no cologne smell but just nice and fragrant without the need for perfume...
and then i woke up but the smell still lingers on..
what a fantastic dream and kiss that was - until now, my whole body is tingling just thinking about it....
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Yummy Mummies go Thai...
First Yummy Mummies meet since the year 2010 rolled in and we were all bundled in one car - the four of us plus a cutie munchkin - headed towards the other side of the Rhine River - a place I had never ventured into. The drive was about 20 minutes and of course, with all ladies abound, we started talking - how we had spent New Year's Eve, how the kids were doing etc, etc - and something funny had occured to me.
We were four non German ladies - real foreigners, not even European - but we were all chatting and conversing in German - can you beat that?!!! We did not realize it because it had become almost second nature.
So to the nay sayers out there who think that we try our damned hardest to not fit in - F**k you! We would not have bothered talking in this language if we were not even remotely interested in blending in.
Anyhoo, our hostess had conjured a nice, hearty soup with goose meat. It had turned out that it was a 5 kg goose (which explains why Germans do away with the 5 kg turkey for Easter as well as for Christmas). It was delicious and I had piled on the garlic and dried chili flakes on my hot steaming bowl and right there and then, it cleared my sinuses.
Thank God for Yummy Mummies - I was starting to feel a bit funky about my life and the things I have achieved as well as the things I have yet to achieve and the amount of time left to do it. What if the list never got around to being completed?
It is no bucket list mind you - its just that I had come across an old friend of mine who went on to accomplish things that I can only dream or imagine about in my wildest dreams. I felt envious - in comparison, my life is so cushioned and so well, dull in comparison.
I keep getting the feeling that surely there must be more to it than what I have done so far? It's not about making more money or having more money - it's asking the dreaded question - am I happy where I am right now? Or so numb with the mundane routine that I don't even realize that I am not happy? Just not feeling one way or the other...
I feel like digging and excavating into myself - with my bare hands, dredging up all the dirt and cobwebs and clogged dirt and screaming " Where are you?! Where are you?! I KNOW that the real you is hidden in here somewhere!"
But who is the real me? Buried too far down it's just best left that way?
We were four non German ladies - real foreigners, not even European - but we were all chatting and conversing in German - can you beat that?!!! We did not realize it because it had become almost second nature.
So to the nay sayers out there who think that we try our damned hardest to not fit in - F**k you! We would not have bothered talking in this language if we were not even remotely interested in blending in.
Anyhoo, our hostess had conjured a nice, hearty soup with goose meat. It had turned out that it was a 5 kg goose (which explains why Germans do away with the 5 kg turkey for Easter as well as for Christmas). It was delicious and I had piled on the garlic and dried chili flakes on my hot steaming bowl and right there and then, it cleared my sinuses.
Thank God for Yummy Mummies - I was starting to feel a bit funky about my life and the things I have achieved as well as the things I have yet to achieve and the amount of time left to do it. What if the list never got around to being completed?
It is no bucket list mind you - its just that I had come across an old friend of mine who went on to accomplish things that I can only dream or imagine about in my wildest dreams. I felt envious - in comparison, my life is so cushioned and so well, dull in comparison.
I keep getting the feeling that surely there must be more to it than what I have done so far? It's not about making more money or having more money - it's asking the dreaded question - am I happy where I am right now? Or so numb with the mundane routine that I don't even realize that I am not happy? Just not feeling one way or the other...
I feel like digging and excavating into myself - with my bare hands, dredging up all the dirt and cobwebs and clogged dirt and screaming " Where are you?! Where are you?! I KNOW that the real you is hidden in here somewhere!"
But who is the real me? Buried too far down it's just best left that way?
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Yummy Mummy at the threshold of 2010...
Just standing at the threshold mind you - not celebrating in any way shape or form. The last days of this year 2009 was so full of good feeling but also so much bad karma that I feel like imploding inside (is there such a word? - when you burst inwards?)
Christmas started innocently enough with the same routine - the carload of goods and presents and clothes for the trudge up to in-laws who love a 40-minute-drive away. The cakes and coffee that greet us and the usual "Oh-what-a-nice-tree" oohhhs and aaahs..
The service or do they call it mass - at a church so dimly lit - I am all for subdued lighting but it looked like the church was just a step close to a power blackout and the slow, organ music and the hymns - does God all Mighty even love these dreary, lifeless hymns being sung in His honour? No offence but surely something along the lines of Harlem Gospel lifts the spirits and lightens the heart more right?
The dinner was okay - a rather tough lamb stew and an ambiguous cooked cucumber thingy- was just sad that my son's appetite was more or less treated like a secondary thing because he had lots of bread, bread, bread...
It was my mother-in-law's behaviour that was exhausting and my hubby did not help much to make Christmas season an occasion to remember...
For instance, why is it that when hubby is at my mom's place and this - never for more than 3 nites at the last count, he gets to lounge around, sleep in while I am the one who is in the kitchen? And I am still the one who is stuck with the same routine when I am at his mom's place? It is the epitome of male masochism - I tell you.
So there I was - up at the crack of dawn because of my son's internal clock and I had to rack my brains to make conversation with my mom-in-law and the thing is - when I start to tell her something - her attention is - for want of a better word - transient and flimsy. She would always interrupt me with " I have got to ........blah-blah in the kithen/laundry room/ bedroom/bathroom and will be right back" And shen then practically sprints out of there - leaving me in mid-sentence and you know? she never comes back.
When she did come back, she would not bother to ask me to continue where she had cut me off.
But when SHE starts on a story - it is so mind numbingly dull that I want to stick my whole fist in my mouth to make myself go into a MEGA RETCH!!! It's about some neighbour who did something normal like - I dunno - hammer a nail in the wall to hang up a picture or something along those very boring lines and I make sure that I keep this "That's-a-very-interesting-story" face the whole time. I did not interrupt her the whole time. I let her come to a natural finish-without-the-flourish.
But next time I will...
and that's the resolution for me this time around...
...to be happy....
....and anything or anyone, who is a potential hindrance to me achieving this resolution ...will be discarded to one side or told off in the most direct manner, respectively.
Christmas started innocently enough with the same routine - the carload of goods and presents and clothes for the trudge up to in-laws who love a 40-minute-drive away. The cakes and coffee that greet us and the usual "Oh-what-a-nice-tree" oohhhs and aaahs..
The service or do they call it mass - at a church so dimly lit - I am all for subdued lighting but it looked like the church was just a step close to a power blackout and the slow, organ music and the hymns - does God all Mighty even love these dreary, lifeless hymns being sung in His honour? No offence but surely something along the lines of Harlem Gospel lifts the spirits and lightens the heart more right?
The dinner was okay - a rather tough lamb stew and an ambiguous cooked cucumber thingy- was just sad that my son's appetite was more or less treated like a secondary thing because he had lots of bread, bread, bread...
It was my mother-in-law's behaviour that was exhausting and my hubby did not help much to make Christmas season an occasion to remember...
For instance, why is it that when hubby is at my mom's place and this - never for more than 3 nites at the last count, he gets to lounge around, sleep in while I am the one who is in the kitchen? And I am still the one who is stuck with the same routine when I am at his mom's place? It is the epitome of male masochism - I tell you.
So there I was - up at the crack of dawn because of my son's internal clock and I had to rack my brains to make conversation with my mom-in-law and the thing is - when I start to tell her something - her attention is - for want of a better word - transient and flimsy. She would always interrupt me with " I have got to ........blah-blah in the kithen/laundry room/ bedroom/bathroom and will be right back" And shen then practically sprints out of there - leaving me in mid-sentence and you know? she never comes back.
When she did come back, she would not bother to ask me to continue where she had cut me off.
But when SHE starts on a story - it is so mind numbingly dull that I want to stick my whole fist in my mouth to make myself go into a MEGA RETCH!!! It's about some neighbour who did something normal like - I dunno - hammer a nail in the wall to hang up a picture or something along those very boring lines and I make sure that I keep this "That's-a-very-interesting-story" face the whole time. I did not interrupt her the whole time. I let her come to a natural finish-without-the-flourish.
But next time I will...
and that's the resolution for me this time around...
...to be happy....
....and anything or anyone, who is a potential hindrance to me achieving this resolution ...will be discarded to one side or told off in the most direct manner, respectively.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yummy Mummies go Mexican..!
the third Yummy Mummies went Viva la Mexico this time around...substantial breakfast and no evidence of the wispy, barely there Continental Breakfast which I detest..
And this time around, we had a full quorum - and the spread was spicy, chocolatey, cheesy, guacamole, filled tortillas...
the conversation was rapid and topics were discussed and tossed around in rapid succession...but the ultimate was
"How do you like it here in Germany?"
And you know, when a German asks me this question, I will automatically say "Okay" but as the question this time was asked by non-Germans, the answer was honest and frank with no-holds barred.
We all agreed that the first years are the most difficult and trying. Another point that was interesting to note was that the more we resisted blending in with the German culture and way of life in Germany, the longer we end up staying in Germany.
Examples in our Yummy Mummies group were :
- One Thai lady said that she only wanted to stay for 3 years maximum but is now currently entering her 6th year!
- one Irish sweetie said that she was adamant that this phase in Germany was temporary but now is currently living out her 8th year as well and sees no end in sight (perhaps the fact that her hubby had just bought a house compounds this no light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel gloom)
- moi? This is my third year in Germany - and hubby is currently marking realty pages as Favourites -
...the outcome is obvious isn't it?
I am just not going to say it in case it gets misinterpreted as a fervent prayer and God goes Amen...
And this time around, we had a full quorum - and the spread was spicy, chocolatey, cheesy, guacamole, filled tortillas...
the conversation was rapid and topics were discussed and tossed around in rapid succession...but the ultimate was
"How do you like it here in Germany?"
And you know, when a German asks me this question, I will automatically say "Okay" but as the question this time was asked by non-Germans, the answer was honest and frank with no-holds barred.
We all agreed that the first years are the most difficult and trying. Another point that was interesting to note was that the more we resisted blending in with the German culture and way of life in Germany, the longer we end up staying in Germany.
Examples in our Yummy Mummies group were :
- One Thai lady said that she only wanted to stay for 3 years maximum but is now currently entering her 6th year!
- one Irish sweetie said that she was adamant that this phase in Germany was temporary but now is currently living out her 8th year as well and sees no end in sight (perhaps the fact that her hubby had just bought a house compounds this no light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel gloom)
- moi? This is my third year in Germany - and hubby is currently marking realty pages as Favourites -
...the outcome is obvious isn't it?
I am just not going to say it in case it gets misinterpreted as a fervent prayer and God goes Amen...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
When lines of communication get crossed..
...it is unerving...and irritating...
This must be the second time that I have purportedly "misunderstood" what was said..
I know that I am 40 but my grey brain cells are still in fine operating form...
The Yummy Mummy was conceived a few weeks ago and it was specifically stated that it would be open to people who we think are lonely and would like to be part of a group...
So I have this acquiantance .- who I had said I would like to include into the Yummy Mummy group - at the outset, at the conception so to speak..
And now, when I call to tell the host of the next Yummy Mummy soiree that my acquiantance will be joining us - she nows reveals that she could not remember what was said.
This is not an exclusive club and there is no need to be high nosed about inviting other people into the group. The objective of this meeting is NOT about eating and stuffing our faces but about mingling, talking, communicating, chilling out and for us to know that despite being in this strange land we call Germany, that there is an outlet for us to just be ourselves and let down our guard.
I am disappointed - from someone who anyway did not think too much of the idea anyway of Yummy Mummies in the first place.
Maybe it is just the bad vibes that I have been inundated with in the first place that's making me feel like this...impatience with petty people...
I am not forgetful - some people feign forgetfulness...one time too many...
This must be the second time that I have purportedly "misunderstood" what was said..
I know that I am 40 but my grey brain cells are still in fine operating form...
The Yummy Mummy was conceived a few weeks ago and it was specifically stated that it would be open to people who we think are lonely and would like to be part of a group...
So I have this acquiantance .- who I had said I would like to include into the Yummy Mummy group - at the outset, at the conception so to speak..
And now, when I call to tell the host of the next Yummy Mummy soiree that my acquiantance will be joining us - she nows reveals that she could not remember what was said.
This is not an exclusive club and there is no need to be high nosed about inviting other people into the group. The objective of this meeting is NOT about eating and stuffing our faces but about mingling, talking, communicating, chilling out and for us to know that despite being in this strange land we call Germany, that there is an outlet for us to just be ourselves and let down our guard.
I am disappointed - from someone who anyway did not think too much of the idea anyway of Yummy Mummies in the first place.
Maybe it is just the bad vibes that I have been inundated with in the first place that's making me feel like this...impatience with petty people...
I am not forgetful - some people feign forgetfulness...one time too many...
When Yummy Mummy gets mad...
...it gets molten hot deep within the core of my being...
... and the strongest of emotions - HATE - gets whipped up in a frenzy...
...what turns a sibling into someone that you don't know anymore and wished to God that she wasn't related to you in any shape or form...?
...that you start to get angry with God for letting this sibling unleash her tyranny upon her family....without retribution
...how is it that she is so blind that she can't even see that her son is now withdrawn whilst she wallows in nothing more than self pity ...and
...is relentless in her betrayal of her mother and of me...again and again and again...and AGAIN?!!!!
The wrong can win? What kind of a world is this?
... and the strongest of emotions - HATE - gets whipped up in a frenzy...
...what turns a sibling into someone that you don't know anymore and wished to God that she wasn't related to you in any shape or form...?
...that you start to get angry with God for letting this sibling unleash her tyranny upon her family....without retribution
...how is it that she is so blind that she can't even see that her son is now withdrawn whilst she wallows in nothing more than self pity ...and
...is relentless in her betrayal of her mother and of me...again and again and again...and AGAIN?!!!!
The wrong can win? What kind of a world is this?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Rain, rain go away...
I am running out of patience - can this typical November German weather please get the hell out of December?!!! I have put up all Christmas decorative lights I had in my arsenal and all the ornaments, Santa statues - trying to gloss over this naffing rain but it's not helping.
The weird thing is ...its not that cold - I mean I can live with 7 Celsius - its just the wet, wet, wetness of it all
Got the results of my endless tests and procedures that I had endured or put myself through the last 2 weeks - including strapping this BP reader machine on my arm for 24 hours - a few days ago. It must have taken about 70 readings over the course of one day - even while I was sleeping. Problem is - each time, the strap started to cut the blood circulation to my arm to make a reading, the tips of my fingers started to hurt - was very uncomfortable.
Anyhoo, the results were made clear to me the next day - during the day, the BP readings were high - at some point, I should have really been wheeled into ER but during the night, the BP readings were quieter and normal, normal, normal
What is it that i do during the day that is spiking up my BP? Am I really just a bundle of stressed up anxiety the whole day even when doing something normal like watching Gilmore Girls?? I do not understand it.
I just realized during the course of today that mostly and normally, I actually clench my jaw without realizing it. When I actually purposed relaxed my jaw, there was a major difference. What is it? Have I been 99% tense without knowing it?
Is it being here in Germany that is just riling me up quietly? When I wake up every morning, do certain receptors in my brain send out "Oh no! Another day in gloom and doom"
My doctor reckons that its hereditary - since my blood work did not reveal any kidney diseases which could have led to the high BP, my lungs are clear (no cancer! Thank you God! I swear NEVER to social smoke again) and my heart reveals no damage or problems - its just hereditary.
So I get medication prescribed - once taken and that's it for the rest of my life and I just hate that idea.
This dependance...and the idea that this medication will not address the cause of my high BP, but rather just suppress the symtoms - in other words, it's not a cure and sure as hell not natural in any way shape or form.
Made me question also my own mortality - I know i am being morbid here but I realized that turning 40 comes with a big responsibility - that is to take good care of oneself...
Thots are just forming in my head on this point so I will pen off for now and think this through...
The weird thing is ...its not that cold - I mean I can live with 7 Celsius - its just the wet, wet, wetness of it all
Got the results of my endless tests and procedures that I had endured or put myself through the last 2 weeks - including strapping this BP reader machine on my arm for 24 hours - a few days ago. It must have taken about 70 readings over the course of one day - even while I was sleeping. Problem is - each time, the strap started to cut the blood circulation to my arm to make a reading, the tips of my fingers started to hurt - was very uncomfortable.
Anyhoo, the results were made clear to me the next day - during the day, the BP readings were high - at some point, I should have really been wheeled into ER but during the night, the BP readings were quieter and normal, normal, normal
What is it that i do during the day that is spiking up my BP? Am I really just a bundle of stressed up anxiety the whole day even when doing something normal like watching Gilmore Girls?? I do not understand it.
I just realized during the course of today that mostly and normally, I actually clench my jaw without realizing it. When I actually purposed relaxed my jaw, there was a major difference. What is it? Have I been 99% tense without knowing it?
Is it being here in Germany that is just riling me up quietly? When I wake up every morning, do certain receptors in my brain send out "Oh no! Another day in gloom and doom"
My doctor reckons that its hereditary - since my blood work did not reveal any kidney diseases which could have led to the high BP, my lungs are clear (no cancer! Thank you God! I swear NEVER to social smoke again) and my heart reveals no damage or problems - its just hereditary.
So I get medication prescribed - once taken and that's it for the rest of my life and I just hate that idea.
This dependance...and the idea that this medication will not address the cause of my high BP, but rather just suppress the symtoms - in other words, it's not a cure and sure as hell not natural in any way shape or form.
Made me question also my own mortality - I know i am being morbid here but I realized that turning 40 comes with a big responsibility - that is to take good care of oneself...
Thots are just forming in my head on this point so I will pen off for now and think this through...
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