Rain, rain go away...

I am running out of patience - can this typical November German weather please get the hell out of December?!!! I have put up all Christmas decorative lights I had in my arsenal and all the ornaments, Santa statues - trying to gloss over this naffing rain but it's not helping.

The weird thing is ...its not that cold - I mean I can live with 7 Celsius - its just the wet, wet, wetness of it all

Got the results of my endless tests and procedures that I had endured or put myself through the last 2 weeks - including strapping this BP reader machine on my arm for 24 hours - a few days ago. It must have taken about 70 readings over the course of one day - even while I was sleeping. Problem is - each time, the strap started to cut the blood circulation to my arm to make a reading, the tips of my fingers started to hurt - was very uncomfortable.

Anyhoo, the results were made clear to me the next day - during the day, the BP readings were high - at some point, I should have really been wheeled into ER but during the night, the BP readings were quieter and normal, normal, normal

What is it that i do during the day that is spiking up my BP? Am I really just a bundle of stressed up anxiety the whole day even when doing something normal like watching Gilmore Girls?? I do not understand it.

I just realized during the course of today that mostly and normally, I actually clench my jaw without realizing it. When I actually purposed relaxed my jaw, there was a major difference. What is it? Have I been 99% tense without knowing it?

Is it being here in Germany that is just riling me up quietly? When I wake up every morning, do certain receptors in my brain send out "Oh no! Another day in gloom and doom"

My doctor reckons that its hereditary - since my blood work did not reveal any kidney diseases which could have led to the high BP, my lungs are clear (no cancer! Thank you God! I swear NEVER to social smoke again) and my heart reveals no damage or problems - its just hereditary.

So I get medication prescribed - once taken and that's it for the rest of my life and I just hate that idea.

This dependance...and the idea that this medication will not address the cause of my high BP, but rather just suppress the symtoms - in other words, it's not a cure and sure as hell not natural in any way shape or form.

Made me question also my own mortality - I know i am being morbid here but I realized that turning 40 comes with a big responsibility - that is to take good care of oneself...

Thots are just forming in my head on this point so I will pen off for now and think this through...