The novel virus now has a proper name

Virtual schooling begins....WEEK 1 VIRTUAL LEARNING

Ah yes, March 16th 2020 - first day of virtual learning and also first Monday of school that we are allowed to sleep in. The sense of foreboding did not sink in fully. I had always thought that the school might be closed for 2 weeks maximum or at least until the Easter Break.

My boys had their school work come in via See Saw or Show My Homework online platforms - they went smoothly. I even did a yoga session - thought of myself as Zen, calm and centered. virtual schooling? Nothing to it!

I even wrote a list of things I could accomplish or spend time on during this upcoming potential free time that I had on my hands.

The list :-

1. Temper my temper

2. Repair what’s broken with Jan-Farris and Martin

3. Closer to God

4. Work that telescope (Birthday present from Martin - still not used since I didn’t know how to align the damn thing)

5. Lose weight and get to a size 36 (hardest of goals to reach I would find out later)

6. Puasa  (Fast)

7. Master Spanish

8. Walk every day

9. Start Face Yoga

Very ambitious but raw and honest - no?

Only the days wore on...the workload started to come in and I realized quickly that my youngest son needed some supervision to set up the first Zoom call, to download folders and documents for him to work on - I got frazzled pretty much by the 4th day.

Around us, cases of the Covid-19 infections were inching its way into Harris County. By this time, New York and California had a massive spike in new cases as well as deaths. The government started to take notice - I guess even Trump rolled out his fat, orange belly to stand up and give a fuck.

We were cocooned in a lovely house in a nice community with a lake. We had a pool, full stocked pantry, a lake view and a park just outside our community - this is paradise!

Only I realized that having the kids as well as Martin home meant that now snacks and lunches were my responsibility - no longer the cafeteria’s. The shit hit the fan pretty quick then. My kids were constantly ravenous and starving. Yoga mornings were abandoned because my sleep was anything but restful. I would wake up - tired and sluggish as before.

Fuck this virus.

Fuck Covid-19.

WEEK 2 - VIRTUAL LEARNING

Uneventful - still staying above water with all the schoolwork and deadlines. I even squeezed in some sporadic yoga sessions.

Harris County began reporting some cases and for quite a few days there were nasty rumours about how the National Guard were brought in to enforce a lockdown in Houston. These fear mongers were real assholes hyping everyone up like that.

The Texas Governor Abbot left it to the various counties on how they choose to enforce the restrictions. And so, on the 24th March, Judge Hidalgo enforced a stay-at-home order for Harris County - effective until end of Easter break. So it began. Took some getting used to (albeit a relief to not have to go out for groceries anymore - opting instead to have them delivered). Martin had a tiny hoarding mentality because he would still go out to buy groceries - usually on a Sunday and would return with more toilet paper (!), kitchen towels and lots of frozen pizza. Our freezer was filled to capacity and we were worry free - food wise.

We would go out for walks now and then. The boys would play football, go out cycling -  I joined them for walks sometimes but realized that I got worried and apprehensive each time we met others along the tracks. The track is narrow enough but we would distance ourselves as much as we could (short of flinging ourselves into the bushes) and act like it was a perfectly normal thing to do and not because I was-terrified-that-you-were-harboring-the-virus. It was odd. I started to just stay home instead. I would lounge by the pool, gaze out into the lake, meditated etc - it was enough for me.

If I was anxious- it was not obvious. We all took it as a chance to take a step back to reconnect with our family, be at one with nature and slowing down the pace of life. There were inspiring images on how a normally filthy Venice Canal turned pristine clean and clear, how clean the air was in the big cities in China - Mother Nature was healing, humans were the culprits who were now being locked up. This is going to turn okay in the long run if you ignored the massive number of deaths in Italy, New York and California.

My bedtimes were normal enough and I even had an extra hour in bed as there were no more school runs to make. But I would wake up each and every time absolutely exhausted - like I was fed through a meat grinding machine. Every inch of my body ached.

It was only during a phone call with a good friend of mine that shed light on the possibility that perhaps our sleep was not restful because deep down we were anxious and terrified at the sweeping no-mercy fatal power of the virus. I worried about our mortality and the mortality of my mom so far away in Malaysia.

If I get sick in the US, where do I go to get tested? Can I even get tested? It’s allergy season in Texas - every running nose, or sore throat would be for me as a sign of imminent doom. I was asthmatic - I would never survive if I were to get hit by the virus.

 America was so unprepared - a President so callous, uncaring and a con man. No reassuring words came out of his mouth - just self promotion and attacks on the press. I was so fed up of living here! Is it any wonder why anxiety came knocking on my door?

These are strange times

It started innocently enough - in China -In a story sensationalized by the Daily Mail and with just a squeak of a mention in CNN, if at all. As Daily Mail is my first go to source of news every morning, the darknet of the Corona virus was giving Wuhan a bad name and had shed spotlight on the supposedly disgusting wet market of all exotic meats under the sun that the Wuhan residents seem to be so fond of.

As days went on, things started to change - little by little but the no of infections started to spread and the number of deaths were rising. Here in the USA, the virus’s namesake was the source of many jokes - most notably how some dumbos were emptying all Corona beer bottles into the sink. We smiled and laughed then. Thinking back, maybe it was nervous laughter.

This was back then in early January....Wuhan was still the epicenter of the outbreak and Hong Kong as well as Taiwan were reporting their first few cases. We seemed to be insulated from them being so far away  in Houston. Folks were getting the Chinese New Year celebrations ready and school life carried on as usual.

My first cause for alarm was when Martin was about to go on a business trip in mid February and I was asked to get some disinfecting spray as well as gloves for his plane ride - just in case. The pharmacies were out of them and on Amazon, you could not get them in stock unless you were prepared to pay an arm and a leg. At about the same time, a friend from school had an acquaintance who could get surgical masks as well as N95 masks. The word got around the Malaysian/Singaporean community in our school and we promptly placed our orders. I think at the time, we were having the first inkling that this was not going away and our sense of urgency and preparedness set in.

Slowly but surely, I started to buy the disposable gloves, disinfecting wipes and since hand sanitizers were clearing off the shelves, I bought the ingredients needed to make our own sanitizers i.e rubbing alcohol, Aloe Vera gel by the bottles - always trying to anticipate and staying a step ahead. Within our community, we would inform each other if a supermarket or store had hand sanitizers in stock, or we would show each other our pantry to see if we had missed out on the essentials. Letting the panic slowly overtake my senses, I started placing orders for Germicides, Chlorox as well as disinfecting cleaners. Martin was already in Germany at this point in time - and must have wondered about the huge charges on this credit card.

I also started to buy pasta, rice, canned food, toilet paper, bottles of water ( the big gallon bottles were all sold out, so I bought loads of smaller drinking bottles). Our garage was slowly filling up with goods, the pantry was filling up.

Then one picture of a lady in Singapore who had loaded her cart full of instant noodles hit the internet and this struck a chord with me till today. It was not the toilet paper hoarding that would be the sign that this virus was upon us but rather this instant noodle lady. In Australia, the toilet paper hoarding had begun. Germany began reporting a spike in the number of people being infected. Alarmingly close to where Martin is.

In school, we were seeing hand sanitizers being in installed everywhere and the mantra about washing your hands for at least 20 seconds to the tune of Happy Birthday was being implemented. Some cases were appearing in the USA but the sense of urgency did not yet arise.

Martin arrived back from Germany on the 6th of March and I remember being apprehensive as to whether it was safe to kiss or hug him. Martin thought at the time that wearing a mask was overrated (me thinks that he was too embarrassed to wear them) and we went out to celebrate my 51st Birthday at a fancy steak house in City Center. Little did we know that that would be one of the last times we would be patronizing a restaurant for a long time to come.

A week later, Martin who had ignored all my pleadings to remain at home due to the virus now appearing in Brazos Bend County (not too far away from our county) appeared at our doorstep around lunchtime because HR had sent a memo asking everyone who had travelled abroad in the last 2 weeks to go straight home. It was about 200 folks sent home that day.

It is hitting closer to home. Some feeling of uncertainty has started to swell up in me and everyone. We started to take a step back with the normal way of greeting. No kisses on the cheeks with my Latina friends. During a house viewing for example, Martin preferred to not shake the realtor’s hand - just to be on the safe side. On the same day, Marc-Harris had a play date with a bunch of friends at a trampoline park and I remember feeling very uneasy at the large number of people there.

School carried on but now posters were appearing everywhere advising the kids as well as the parents that clinking shoes or touching elbows were the better way to greet each other. I found both methods off putting preferring to Namaste them instead or to greet them with my right hand placed on the heart and bowing my head down slightly - the Islamic appropriate Malaysian style of greeting. Nevertheless, our school carried on much to the chagrin of some moms. Public schools decided to extend the mid term break for an additional week - making our private school a safer place to be.

One of the last lunches I had was with a good friend at Phat Eatery - normally crowded but this time, we could get a table straight away. My days were spent stocking up again and again - to the point of exhaustion.

Alas, the school succumbed to the pressure and decided to close the school starting on the 16th March. That Friday 13th was then the last day of school, I attended the parent choir and we video recorded our efforts singing Sweet Child Of Mine. It is a bittersweet memory now to me because unbeknownst to us, we would not be singing together again till the end of the academic year.

Back home, the realization has not really sunk in - felt like we were just home for the weekend, we even went out for pizza! How careless we were...

And so, virtual learning begins......

Houston has a problem....

It has been a good 7 or 8  years since my last post - forgive me if my English is out of whack and my writing style simplistic. I am no longer living in Germany and no longer a mother to a wonderful boy but TWO.

Husband is the same character that I have moaned about before - frog turned into prince and turned into a toad - kind of thing - but the biggest change has got to be that I am now living (well for the last 4 weeks anyway) in Houston, US of A.

Nope, it was not on my account and neither did we willingly emigrate but rather my hubby was told to come here or.....(mind boggles to think of the alternative) and so we packed up ( such a simple word belying the tears, endless lists, organization, trips to the recycling center, the uprooting of our what was our home and base for the last 10 years - whew!) and here we are - our cat Georgia included.

First few days were good - it was just numbed by jet lag. I forgot for awhile that I am now even further away from Malaysia, in Trump La-La Land and in Ku Klux Klan territory (aka the South) - what could go wrong right?

Plenty as it turns out - all 4 Categories of it. Meet Hurricane Harvey Category 4. The aftermath after he made landfall exactly 7 days ago, is catastrophic to say the least. Words like Hundred Year Flood, Biblical Proportions seem sensational to say but in truth, they don't even begin to describe the destruction and misery that Harvey had unleashed upon us.

Suddenly, Houston is in news everywhere - not so much Rockport or Galveston or Corpus Christ when Harvey was a full brute Category 4 Hurricane but Houston - when Harvey weakened to a Category 4 Tropical Storm and dumped trillions of liters of rain on Houston - causing massive floods.

I thought at the time "Why now? When we have just arrived? Some welcome Houston - thanks"

It is enough for me to have a flash of all of us (Georgia) included making a beeline for the airport and hightailing it back to Dusseldorf. Even better in Germany than USA? That's saying something!

We have been spared from the floods - though the danger was never that far away. Maybe God didn't want to scare us too much and complete disillusion us - but my state of mind is shaky to put it mildly. I seek comfort but don't know what gives me comfort.

Where is it?

...this self worth of mine? Systematically hacked, gnawed away at the foundation one painful slash at a time until it's almost gone...if not gone already?

On some days I feel feisty and am so full of spirit that literally I feel I can move a mountain a pebble at a time and rebuild it again pebble by pebble, at another appropriate location...and still have the strength to admire my handiwork...

on some days, like these last couple of days, I feel trapped and unable to move....mostly because I am too afraid too venture out or to fight because I feel so small, so tiny that the others will surely trample upon me by mistake because I can't be seen or be heard?

I think I fully realize now who I am or how my husband sees me ...I am housekeeper and nanny and oh, when times are desperate, someone to shag.... After the shag, you will be surprised how fast he reverts back to his cold, unfriendly self...

How else to explain it? We had a 6 hour car journey before us. I had already adhered to his very specific packing instructions that I spent the day before indoors whilst he and my son spent the day outside enjoying a beautiful sunny spring day. I had gotten into the car after checking that the house was properly locked and secure and he greets me with "My God! How much garlic have you had?!"

(I had been consuming whole cloves of garlic in a desperate attempt to harness on its antibacterial properties to annihilate my oncoming pneumonia). I was so taken aback with the tone and manner in which he chose to express himself that basically, my breath stinks to high heaven.

I looked at him, this man with the white skin with his huge Ray Ban aviators covering his reptile cold eyes and thought " This is it. This is definitely it. He must really think shit of me to not even attempt to disguise the contempt in his voice, even in front of our son" And so, with my self worth reduced to a heap and with his uncanny way of setting the tone for the holiday that awaited us, we started the holiday.

I thought at the time. " Wow. He must be patting himself on the back for firing such a hurtful salvo that it reduced me to absolute silence" Yup, silence... for the next 6 hours to Zurich. He had the whole time, this smug look on his face that I found myself thinking ho - terrible, mutilating thoughts...toward HIM. Deep down, after the initial violent thoughts , I cried, banged my head on the wall thinking "Stupid, Stupid, stupid! Why do you even stick around this piece of shit?! Why do I let him treat me this way?!"

All these...only because he caught me unaware and I was unprepared for that. But what kind of a life is it having to be always on the defensive and always on the alert? When you love someone and that someone loves you, aren't you suppose to feel secure? How does it go? That you can finally EXHALE...? Here, I am holding my breath in the same way I always do before a dentist is about to administer a jab...because I always think that it will lessen the pain that I expect to follow afterwards....

Bubbling close to the surface

My husband can be a real asshole sometimes. Imagines himself to be God's gift to women. When he prances around with that pout which is supposed to convey an aura of being very, very cool, I think he just looks like lip Botox procedure or similar gone wrong.

When he hardly listens to whatever I say or hardly converses with me, I think how I would love to deck him across that Goddamned face!!

I feel so stuck in this rut - this whole gamut, range, plethora of emotions just whooshing in me, that I just feel like throwing my head back, open my mouth and just scream until I am all screamed out!

How does someone that you used to love turn out to be such an ASS?!!!! It's all about him at the moment - denies me my home trip this summer only for my son and I to sit around watching him leave us to entertain ourselves while he runs, or plays tennis or goes on his endless business trips. And yeah right, I am supposed to sympathize with him that these business trips are hard on him because he "would rather spend time with the family" Each times he says that I can always see that her's about to break into a smile. That's how insincere it sounds...

He is on a get young and stay young mission. The only person I know who would admire himself in the mirror and actually say " I look good don't I?"

And I think hodoh nak mampus instantly which made me realize that I have a lot of anger brewing up in me.....

question is--what will I do when I huff and I puff and I blow?

Quite a while ago, I was engaged to be married to a damned jerk. He had started out all romantic and atentive - until the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome started to kick in - because he started to be such an ASS. Anyway, whenever I watched a romantic movie, I would be filled with such a sense of longing - because in that hellish relationship that I was currently in at the time, I was not feeling THE LOVE.

Until I met my current hubby - oh how he swept me off my feet and pushed all the right buttons. Because I was so incredibly suffused with lust which later transformed to love.

And now, many years later, when watching a romantic movie - I feel that sense of longing again. For the one who whooshed me off my feet was a temporary illusion - now he takes pride and pleasure to deny any show off affection or love. I read the first chapter of 'Eat, Pray, Love' and all´I can think is "This is all sounds incredibly familiar". How she loved and despised her hubby at the same time. This is how I feel right now.

My God! That's it till the rest of my life? Is it enough? Can I live with someone knowing that he is trying to cure the incurable romantic?

I am thinking...

Is it still there?

8 years ago today, my father passed away. And its amazing how different husbands change once the sole male figure in our otherwise all female family is no longer around.

For one, the husbands lose their respect for you and take liberties and become reckless and careless - who is to reproach them?

Who are you gonna tell little orphan girl? They seem to taunt - your mama? Why do we let them actually?

Papa taught me better - those fighter instincts? They seemed to dissolve when he died. Or maybe got buried momentarily under all that mourning.

Is it still there? In me - somewhere?